And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
