i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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