It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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