This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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