Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
he quoted the bible to break up with me
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
