the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
