I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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