So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
