I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
