ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
