I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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