I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
