you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
