Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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