apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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