Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Randomize
