my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Im part way to drunk.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum