i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.