Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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