My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
