she looked like the bat from fern gully.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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