Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So gin and wine won't be happening again
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
