I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
