My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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