Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
