Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
