Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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