True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
