Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
