my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize