so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
