6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
