i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
