I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
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