My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
