don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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