I puked a lego.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
