A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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