i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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