You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
