He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
