if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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