I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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