is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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