can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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