have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
