i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
