just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
