I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
