make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
