Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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