you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
