I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
