Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
