my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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