Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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