I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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