Please, let me fuck your mom
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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