I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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