i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
