White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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