rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
