this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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