I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
