If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
